there is nothing more beautiful than having the stillness of your breath being the only sound to count on, it truly is the only constant in our lives. by letting the oxygen pump life in me, i understand the veins in my wrists are at my mercy. i enjoy, giving this heart a silent beating by repressing all it’s desires and wants.
pretending to plaster that smile across your face, when all you want to do is grab a bottle of wine and chug it until your guts are churning. then charmingly scream “fuck everything”. i feel like a black hole lately. i haven’t turned to the bottle though — which is good. my head is pounding, my heart is raw from the emotional beatings i’ve been giving myself.
bad things always happen in sequences. it’s never just “oh, hey your cat just died”. your fucking dog has to die too. then, you keep getting lost even with a map of directions to the place you’re going or you lose your favourite Chanel wallet with all your identification, and can’t even go buy a pack of cigarettes because the clerk can’t tell you’re over 19 years old. i am 25, i can strip myself naked and show my battle scars, i wear them like a layer of skin but they swear “you don’t look a day older than 17.”
tragedy and misery follows me wherever i go. it’s like that demon from paranormal activity that goes with the girl no matter where she moves. that’s how misery is for me. i can burn pictures, change my clothes, show my pearly whites to every stranger who looks my way — but with me remains what is haunting me.
bad things happen in sequences — yet somehow i manage to scrape by. that’s how my life has always been — i manage. it’s never, “i got out of it with everything intact” i often need to leave pieces of my spirit behind, the gashes in my soul are invisible.
pretending to plaster that smile across your face, when all you want to do is grab a bottle of wine and chug it until your guts are churning. then charmingly scream “fuck everything”. i feel like a black hole lately. i haven’t turned to the bottle though — which is good. my head is pounding, my heart is raw from the emotional beatings i’ve been giving myself.
bad things always happen in sequences. it’s never just “oh, hey your cat just died”. your fucking dog has to die too. then, you keep getting lost even with a map of directions to the place you’re going or you lose your favourite Chanel wallet with all your identification, and can’t even go buy a pack of cigarettes because the clerk can’t tell you’re over 19 years old. i am 25, i can strip myself naked and show my battle scars, i wear them like a layer of skin but they swear “you don’t look a day older than 17.”
tragedy and misery follows me wherever i go. it’s like that demon from paranormal activity that goes with the girl no matter where she moves. that’s how misery is for me. i can burn pictures, change my clothes, show my pearly whites to every stranger who looks my way — but with me remains what is haunting me.
bad things happen in sequences — yet somehow i manage to scrape by. that’s how my life has always been — i manage. it’s never, “i got out of it with everything intact” i often need to leave pieces of my spirit behind, the gashes in my soul are invisible.
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i wrote this today. it got featured on tumblr! follow me: http://the-peony.tumblr.com
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